The death of all my dreams….
My hope is that we do indeed live in an upside down Kingdom where to live you have to die, and to die means to be with Christ.
It all started with the death of a good job. Two years ago I worked for a music production company. The Lord blessed my efforts. The money flowed in. Everyone was fat and happy – our partners, my bosses, and myself. Everyone except my wife. The hours and long commute added up to stress in the family department.
But then weird things began happening at the company. After three rounds of layoffs, the company was a shell of its former self. I found it hard to accomplish anything new. Those of us who were left twiddled our thumbs while waiting to collect a check every two weeks. After a few months, I decided to strike out on my own. My wife was happy.
At first I wanted to be an indie – music distributor. I had great relationships with all the top digital retailers and their suppliers. After a year working with independent musicians I realized I was losing more money in distribution costs than the artists were generating. That dream shriveled.
I was also involved with a local rock band. We began honing our songwriting and recording skills. After years of practice and occasional gigging, it became apparent we were all headed in different directions. Another death. This was one of the most painful, because those guys had become my closest friends.
There were many other little deaths. Realizing I’m not meant to be a music producer. Working with a band and record label that couldn’t quite tie the knot. Starting a website development company with no future. The motorcycle of my dreams, with a dead transmission. I decided to sell the parts on eBay. This paid the bills for a few months.
Somewhere in there, the biggest death happened. The death of my motivation and desires. I just stopped caring about anything. Music, money, jobs, trips, vacations, work, careers, gadgets, gizmos, stuff in stores, church. All these things began to seem stupid. A chasing after the wind. Meaningless. I read Ecclesiastes and was pleased that the wisest man in the world agreed with me.
I just didn’t care about the stuff we spend our lives and energy obtaining and protecting and packaging and selling and marketing. I can walk through the luminous halls of any department or electronics or music store and I actually feel pangs of revulsion at all the shiny plastic and metal.
But I also realized the danger. I had never stopped caring about my wife and family. Or my friends. I realized that protecting and caring for my friends and family means buying and selling and working and creating and interacting in meaningful ways. All of those things and actions that I no longer cared about.
So I went searching for my missing passion. This went on for months. I needed to find something I cared about. I took some personality tests. Slowly a few things surfaced. I like helping people. I like adventure. I am technical but can also communicate well with people.
I talked to many wise friends throughout these adventures. A few key thoughts stuck with me. My friend David shared something about his own quest “I stopped living for myself and started living for something greater.” My friend Bill encouraged me to ask a simple question whenever trying something new, “Will this please the Lord?” Such a simple, powerful thing.
So I’ll cut to the chase. I’ve found my passion again. Something that fills me with hope and inspiration and a desire to “GO” as they say at Glenstone Chapel. And the crazy thing is that it is something that I never would have considered, if all my dreams hadn’t died. They had to die, to make room for this passion. Check ‘er out:
Tags: Africa, mercy ship, missionary
November 15th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
To GOD be the Glory! Powerful, moving and heart-wrenching. May HE equip you and Mieke with His every good and perfect
gift{s} as you take this route less travelled. Blessings!
November 15th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Andy, now you are talking! What an adventure. Will you be able to travel with them and your family? How did you connect with them? What do you expect to contribute to the ships efforts? Mimi and I would love to so something like this too. I have a barn full of medical supplies and surgical instruments that they may be interested in. Though from the video it appears they are well stocked with medical supplies.
Andy, I too have experienced many deaths of dreams. The first being when I was about your age, and same stage in life. The consequence of that death, lead to my unique and blessed occupation. The next great death occurred in my mid thirty’s. My wife decided that she wanted to be another mans wife. I found myself struggling to be a single dad to three teenage boys. This death resulted it excruciating pain, and drove me to my knees. God was pleased to revel Himself to me in a most remarkable and real way. The result of that death lead to God rebuilding my life and giving me another family, a beautiful wife (your aunt Mimi) that loves God with all her heart, and a church that preaches the gospel without apology. I am a totally different man now than I was before. My prayer for you is that God will be pleased to tear you down, drive you to your knees too, and then rebuild you into the likeness of His Son. Humble, faithful, grateful, content, patient, long-suffering, loving, and a giver. Such work on a mans heart can only be accomplished by God.
My experience has been that when God is pleased to cause the death of our dreams, He is weaning us off of the things of this world, and conforming us into the likeness of His son Christ. And preparing us for an eternity in another world, as joint heirs with Christ.
Press on son.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Wow! I’m glad that you down time did not last but that God used it to bring you to something that you are passionate about.
November 16th, 2009 at 3:55 am
Andrew, I hope you are able to find what it is that you are looking for.
November 16th, 2009 at 6:06 am
Just so thankful for your honesty and willingness to share your heart – I love you guys so much, and my heart rejoices as I get a glimpse of what the Lord is leading you toward. You are both such a gift to the body of Christ, and I thank Him ahead of time for providing for every need, for giving you both wisdom and for granting you the favor you need. Grateful to be your sister in Him.
November 16th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Wow, God is doing a great work in you, my big brother. I look forward to hearing about the journey. You should also know that you have an incredible gift for writing, so I hope they take advantage of that if God opens the doors for you to go!! Love you so much.
November 17th, 2009 at 7:29 am
Andrew, thanks for sharing your heart! I look forward to hearing your story as God continues to build you into the man He has made you to be. As 2 Cor. states, you are being transformed from ‘glory to glory’. Sometimes it feels like you are sinking, but actually you are rising. The day you began pursuing your dreams, you climbed up on the altar and asked the Lord to have his way. You asked Him to help you pursue the impossible. Sounds like he has accomplished that! He has changed you in ways you could have never imagined.
As you know, my dream of being a screenwriter died a horrific death, one Hollywood could not have designed. After leaving the comfort and security of the workplace, I followed the Lord into the wilderness. Into the unknown. And somewhere in that place of uncertainty, I began asking the Lord to truly lead me. Not on the path I had chosen, but wherever He wanted to go. Quite suddenly, the dream of being a writer was simply cut out of me. And as I grew closer to Jesus, related values and desires began to burn away.
I can greatly relate to the pains and revulsion you now feel when walking through the music and electronic stores that once brought you excitement and energy. I once frequented the local video store eagerly searching the aisles for the next great film, and hoping one day that film would be one of my own. Now I struggle to even enter a Blockbuster. My heart is saddened by the stories our society so eagerly consumes. My stomach can no longer bear to view the titles or taglines, though once I considered such films essential fuel to my own creative pursuits. As already stated, only God can bring about that kind of change in our hearts.
Those feelings you now have may evolve, and one day you may again enter that marketplace, but with a renewed sense of purpose and perspective. In the meantime, we’ll be praying for your new journey. Or rather this new found direction in the journey you were already on.
November 17th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Andy, Wow! I didn’t know all this stuff was going on. Maybe I didn’t pay attention. Anyway, thanks for your honesty. What will your role be with the Mercy ships?
December 13th, 2009 at 7:29 am
Excellent article, amazing looking weblog, added it to my favorites.
December 24th, 2009 at 2:52 am
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January 10th, 2010 at 9:52 am
Hey Andy- Don’t know if you’ll even get this it’s such an old post, but one of my small group girls took a gap year and is on the Africa Mercy until April- check out her blog, it will give you a great insight into the ship. Are you guys looking at doing this or financially supporting it? Here’s the link to Chelsea’s blog- http://cjleander.blogspot.com/